...IF MY HEART CONDEMNS ME...
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction, meant to teach an important lesson to the heart of troubled people out there,people torn apart by guilt and shame..this is a story of hope.Please enjoy.

I'm Stanley,I am a Christian.I live in New York. I am a successful businessman and happily married to my sweetheart, Julie.Our marriage is blessed with a beautiful daughter,Blessing.

I could be what you would say happy or contented,but deep within me,I was not.You see,I love Yahweh a lot and tried my best to please him,maybe it was because I was trying to pay for my past, or because I was trying to remove the guilt deep Within me.

About twenty years ago,I was what you call a gangster,I lived a life of rebellion and indulged in all kind of vices;stealing, fighting,drugs,sexual immorality-I guess it took the grace of God that I didn't commit murder.

I did all these in ignorance because that was what I believed was the way live in the streets.One has got to be tough,act tough,look tough etc.I was totally lost.

I met Christ through Julie.Julie was the only person who believed in the goodness in me,she never stopped talking to me,telling me how great life will be for me if I changed my ways.She told me about how only Jesus could save and help me.

Before then,I was already tired of the kind of life I was living.'If this was all life really is,then it is not worth living'.I thought.

I thought I couldn't change my ways,I had gone deep too much in sin to ever come back.It was too late to turn back now.

"If you are given a chance to start a new life,will you take it?". Julie asked me one day.

" Yes,of course ".I replied,although the possibility of that looked bleak.

" Then try my Jesus ".......

All these happened twenty years ago.Now I am a changed man,a believer and a Christian, and I never regretted accepting Jesus that blessed day.But my past still bothered me.Could I ever forget all the evil things I have done? Do I really deserve God? I felt I was not worthy of this merciful God's love and kindness.

Everytime my little princess, stands and give wonderful bible talks to the congregation, I was divided inside;first,I and my wife are proud of her and of her Christian spirit.Secondly, I was humbled by her innocence. She has never done any of the bad things I have done,because of the spiritual training I and Julie gave her.She was better than I was.They all are...

I started withdrawing myself from the congregation.I avoided Christian meetings,evangelism etc I don't deserve to be with them,I don't deserve God's mercy.The devil was hitting me hard,making me see how horrible a person I was..I gave in to my guilt..

One day,while I was relaxing in my office,Julie and one of the brethren came to me.I looked up at Julie inquiring with my eyes to know what happened.

Julie took my hands into her soft hands and massaged gently"I know something is bothering you",She said"Please let's talk about it".

I bowed my head in shame,Julie massaged my hands comfortingly,whispering encouragement to me.I finally told them all  that was bothering me"Julie,I don't think God loves me after all that I have done."

"May God rebuke the devil on your behalf, love". Julie said" God loves you a whole lot.

"He has loved you from the very beginning and He will love you to the end.."

"Then,why do I feel this way,if He has forgiven me?"I asked" Why am I not like you people?".

"Sweetheart, the devil is the one putting those thoughts into your head.Remember that he came to steal,kill and destroy.Everything you are feeling now;all the guilt,shame and self degradation is a lie from the devil. Remember that he is the accuser of the brethren and the father of all lie and deception"Julie replied.

The brother, who has until now be listening, chmed in" Brother Stanley,in what measures have you being comparing yourself?humans? Stanley,we all make mistakes and we all have our own deep and dirty secrets,but what makes us to continue is faith.Faith is why we are who we are today,it is what makes you and I Christians.It is what we fight with,even when all is lost".

I looked at him,he should be no more than 25 but he really is wise"So, you are trying to tell me to have faith that God loves me even in my imperfections?'.

"More than that,you need to have faith in Jesus..."

"But..but sometimes, I find myself falling back to my old ways..is there any-any hope for me?". As I said this,I was trying to avoid Julie's eyes.I knew I would see a lot of hurt in those eyes-why haven't I shared this with her ?.

" Can I tell you a story?"The brother asked

"Yes".

" There was this girl I know,she is very athletic and competitive in nature.She has represented her school many times on the field.She is a very good sprinter for a teen her age.

One day,She was selected as usual to represent her school in a race competition. This girl trained every day;including weekends of course.She so desperately wanted to win.

The d-day came, her parents were in the stands,watching her.She was the favorite to win the race.The referee's whistle blew and the race began.

In no time at all,she was leading,but almost to the finishing line,she stumbled and fell down-she has lost the race.Notwithstanding, she got up and finished the race.She bursts into tears.

Her parents came to her side and comforted her.She turned to them and said"I'm sorry I failed you"..

"No Darling, you did not.." Her father said,wiping the tears of her eyes"Your mum and I know how much you trained and practiced for this race,you didn't disappoint us because while you fell,you still stood up and finished the race.Your determination to finish the race is all that mattered.We are so proud of you darling".

The brother stopped talking and looked at me"that girl represents us,the father represents God-God loves us more than that father and He knows our weakness and our nature.He only wants you get up and keep running (psalm103:8-12 please read it).

I was impressed,it was as if a large weight was taken off me,but one thing remained to be sorted out"what if my heart condemns me again-like before?"I asked

"Then exercise faith and rebuke the devil,tell your heart that God is greater than my conscience.quote 1john3:20. But remember,God's grace towards you over sin is not to be abused.Don't indulge in sinful practices willingly and if you happen to fall into sin,don't relax,get up like that little girl and continue the race..God wants you to finish the race no matter how many times you fall." 

Julie looked at me,I was smiling at her and I could see the joy spreading on her face.

"Julie dear,I am going to make God and you proud. I will be the best husband and father to you and our princess. I won't let my heart condemn me anymore,because I know now that God is greater than my heart."

By God's help,I have been able to keep that promise and I will finish it to the end,because I want to make God proud.Prov.27:11'My son,be wise and make me proud that I might give an answer to him who taunts me,because of you'.

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